serreal visit.

I went to see Sean on friday. It was very strange. I was very anxious to see him. It had been about two weeks I think. I lose track of time. Though I placed him with his adoptive family on the 21st of May it feels like much longer. I drove out to there house so that Jill didn't have to drag Sean out and all the way to town. Also I had some breastmilk to deliver. I am always alittle nervous seeing him around his new parents. Will they get hurt if I hold him to long? Am I imposing? I did hold him for almost an hour on my chest. It was really nice, but it felt like he was somone elses child. I knew somday that might happen I was taken aback by it happening so soon. I cry thinking about it. Is this how it is suposed to be happening? or am I a freak?

Sophie keeps saying she wants to see Isaac. Isaac was the name I gave Sean when he was born. I keep trying to get her to call him Sean but she refuses. I really do understand. I have to force myself to call him Sean. I chose Isaac because of the bible story. God promised Abraham and Sara a child but they didn't have one until they were very old. They named him Isaac. When he was probly 6 or 7 ( I don't remember exactly) the Lord came to Abraham and told him to take Isaac to the Mountain and sacrifice him like a lamb. God was testing Abraham's willingness to follow the Lord. Abraham followed the Lords directions, however when Abraham was about to sacrifice his only child the Lord spoke to him and gave him a lamb to sacrifice instead of his son. Isaac was my sacrifice.

This weekend my Mom and Step-Dad will be down from North Dakota. They are bringing Sam back from two weeks with them. On Friday my step-dad will meet Sean. I think that will be a good time for Sophie to see Sean and for us all to get together. Then on Saturday Jill and James are having a babyshower. That will be interesting to see. I look forward to see him. I am looking foreward to seeing Jill and James and how they are adjusting to Sean. I am nervous about their friends and just being in pain from the whole situation. 
I think that I now understand what Bobbi ment when she said that  placing for adoption is a have to option.

I found out I was pregnate in September of 2011. I wasn't quite sure what or how to feel. I already had three children at home. Sam was 6, Sophie was 4, and James had just turned 1 in July. My husband had left me in May. My life was a mess. Obviously this was an unplanned pregnancy.  I immediately chose adoption. I made a plan and was prepared to follow through with it.

 To give alittle back story. I had met John through a mutual friend. He was charming, handsome, and well spoken. Most importantly he made me feel like I was beautiful. However our relationship was doomed from the beginning. He was much much older than I and had already raised his children he didn't want to start all over again. Eventually he met another woman his own age and we parted ways.  The middle of September I foundout I was pregnate. I was shocked.

After telling my father that I was pregnate he presented me with information of a caseworker at the Nebraska Children's home. Soon after that I met with Bobbi and started my journey through adoption.

We met biweekly somtimes monthly. She taught me about